She's taken to school like a duck to water, and as much as it pains me to say, she doesn't need me as much as i expected her too!
Selfish right? But once you have adjusted to the label that special needs gives you, you expect to be needed regardless.
Im proud, prouder than you can ever imagine. Im kinda glad in other ways she doesn't need me, maybe i just need her! She was a baby so long that the transition from baby to child never happened, she just kinda woke up BIG!
But seeing countless nameless children say hi to her on the way home from school fills my heart with warmth, who'd have thought she would be so popular. Especially since her elder sister deflects friends like its going out of fashion, she could pass from a stroppy teenager and she's only 7!!
So here's to you Emma, special in many many ways but always a baby to me :)
As birthdays usually do, more so when they are your own, it makes you take stock of your life, see where you have been and plan for the years to come. Today was no different. even though I'm not 5 and i didn't get cake, I've done nothing but think about what I've got and where I'm going.
Seems silly really, underneath it all all ill ever be is a mother and a wife. Best title anyone could have to be honest!!
My business is still pricking at me though, its like a flaming roller coaster! I wanna do it, i don't wanna do it, i wanna do something else, give me a job, fuck it I'm working for myself, i love what i do, i hate what i do..... and so on until i feel may brain may implode.
In all honesty, i DO love what i do, i love the flexibility, i love the spending money and i love seeing i can achieve something from nothing but i kinda feel its not enough but to achieve more i have to give me and i love the time off i can snatch with the girls and just waste the day shopping if i feel i wanna instead of clock watching for shifts or whatever. I don't envy you ladies that run a home and a career, a tiny bit jealous and completely in awe of your hard work but i also like the lazy days of pjs and baking!
I just don't feel like I'm getting out of what i do what i need to. Is handmade really the way forward or is being a stockist far more of what the shopper wants these days. No matter what you do or what you sell people want what they see in mags and on the tv. They like the copy style and to FIT IN! no matter how many times they scream, 'IM AND INDIVIDUAL' their spending habits don't reflect this.
High street stores sell their jewellery by the bucket load and every store stocks the same designs at varying prices but personally i hate the idea of wearing what the girl on the bus 3 seats behind is wearing, i like to own at least 1 item per outfit what no one else does even if its only 3 seasons ago item that everyone else has thrown out.
But are there really enough like minded people to make what i do worth the time and effort? Or should i be making my designs that little more commercial? I guess in this climate when people are living pay day to pay day you have to go with the masses!
Still in my infancy though i guess theres plenty of time to find my feet. Ive designed a more simple yet personal range for xmas. There will be sets and initialed jewellery, fresh water pearls and single charm necklaces, what with my necklace being used in Hollyoaks, The Vintage Life magazine subscription offer and the exposure in Daisy Green Mag and The London University Guide I'm hoping i can take it up a step to a more steady sale stream.
To be seen on 'Maddie' in Hollyoaks
L xx
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